On second reading this seems more like an outburst and doesn’t really convey any relevant message. Sorry for that.

So I had my quiz tomorrow and while I paid attention in class, I hadn’t started studying that seriously. It was 2 AM and I had two Espresso shots so sleep wasn’t gonna bother my preparation today, instead my mind was. So I started studying and I couldn’t and I had no idea why. I stopped and realized I was hating it, hating everything.

Do you ever get that feeling when you just don’t know why so much is going on in your life? Your midsems are nearby but you can’t study, you like somebody but things can’t work out, you’ve been wanting to do something for quite some time but you’ve been wasteful of your time, you’ve been binging a show and hating yourself for that, you keep playing games because you want to get your mind off something, you’ve been avoiding texts deliberately but keep wondering why you do that, you keep avoiding the fact that you need to address things that are important but you keep avoiding them, you realize that you aren’t as happy as you think you are but you just don’t want to address that?

Every one of these things kept revolving in my mind and I obviously couldn’t study and like all people today, I fired up my phone and kept scrolling through social media and finally felt like going back to study. I lasted 15 mins before I realized that I just couldn’t, I didn’t care about how my quiz was gonna go, I didn’t want to do anything. I went out, put on my earphones and walked. I knew where I was gonna go and I didn’t want to but needed to. I reached the main gate and convinced myself not to do it and I didn’t. I wanted to go to some place where I could clear my mind and the obvious destination was Jal Vihar. I reached and sat there, terrified because I was alone and not because it was 4 AM. I felt so empty. I blasted songs on my phone and sat there trying to think things through. I realized a lot had happened in my life the previous year, things I was grateful for and things that should have made the usual me bawl like a child, but I never did. I realized that I never really address my issues importantly. I am the kind of guy who would just switch off his feelings and feel they would go away after a while but I never knew that they come back, that they always do. I went back to the room at 6 AM.

Things were much clear now. I was relieved after talking to myself about my issues and about figuring out how to deal with them. The most important thing I realized that I wasn’t very happy about how things were going, I thought I was but in truth, I wasn’t. But I realized that that’s good right? You can’t always be happy. You don’t change things if you feel you are happy, things that maybe aren’t really good for you. And once you realize that you’ve been escaping “sad” thoughts, that every time you feel sad and realize you want to smoke a cigarette to make it wanna go away, that every time when the shit hits the ceiling you just go out at night and walk and pretend it’s okay and not address the issue, it becomes a habit right? You close yourself. And that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself.

I was happy this morning, I wasn’t happy at night but I am happy now.

This is to everyone - Just stop for a moment and think, are you really happy? And if not why haven’t you addressed it? And maybe wonder if it’s not so bad to not be happy every time after all?